Anna Seghers' Diary

Friday, 5th December
From today on I start my new work habit. I have to every day for several hours. In the morning started “Bishop”. Anxious. It shall succeed. Didn’t work enough. Scared that they hinder me. Gymnastics at noon. Liesel, Lotte (breastfeeding), Ria (baking) + bad night, ugly
…
Wednesday (afternoon), 10th December
Still tired. Confused. Worked little. Scared of the success. Am I eager and pure enough that it can succeed? Preparations for Rudi’s birthday. His eyes have to lighten up. Helen says that she feels better since she does not eat animals. Too tired to go to the S.A.G., feel bad conscience. Why can’t I fit into any society?
…
Tuesday, 16th December
Today everything had a bitter taste. Whether the Bishop will work out, whether the job works out, whether all radiance disappears, whether the future breaks, that I am weak, wretched, small, unfit for goodness, life and writing. Help!

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