Milena Jesenska

Friday, 5th December From today on I start my new work habit. I have to every day for several hours. In the morning started “Bishop”. Anxious. It shall succeed. Didn’t work enough. Scared that they hinder me. Gymnastics at noon. Liesel, Lotte (breastfeeding), Ria (baking) + bad night, ugly … Wednesday (afternoon), 10th December Still tired. Confused. Worked little. Scared of the success. Am I eager and pure enough that it can succeed? Preparations for Rudi’s birthday. His eyes have to lighten up. Helen says that she feels better since she does not eat animals. Too tired to go to the S.A.G., feel bad conscience. Why can’t I fit into any society? … Tuesday, 16th December Today everything had a bitter taste. Whether the Bishop will work out, whether the job works out, whether all radiance disappears, whether the future breaks, that I am weak, wretched, small, unfit for goodness, life and writing. Help!

Sunday, 16th November 1924 Travel preparation like yesterday. Thereby thinking about a story: the repentance of the Bishop of Priepournous. “The holy Bishop of Priepournous, tralilatralilalala. He healed many women for 20 Sous tralilatralilalala.” Reading “Education to Christianity” with lots of comfort. Spasm in the forehead. Fear that my talent will abandon me, -but only rarely. Rodi and Rodi again. Is it right that I am at home? … Saturday, 29th November I cannot bear it if I don't get to work, I have to write, I desperately feel the wish and will. Visited Lotte Mar., Ria, Fr. Schwarz The fear and remorse, the fear of non-strictness, of the fading tension between Me and the Others is again not [?] there. Bishop continued.